What mental illness looks like

It has taken me a while to start to process what is going on in our world, it really starts many years ago, but came to a head the day after Thanksgiving. It was really a Black Friday for us.

Ethan has been with us since he was almost a year old, he calls us mommy and daddy and we refer to him, and his brother Peter as ours because how can you not when you have been caring for a child this long. We have had so many wonderful times with the boys and I know they will continue for a lifetime. These wonderful times also come with struggles when the children you have been blessed with have struggles of their own.

Peter was diagnosed on the autism spectrum years ago and we work with him trying to get him to understand how some of his behaviors affect others, but sniffing other people isn’t the worst that can happen in your world, neither is eating only about 4-5 things, but we have faith we can help him to overcome his anxiety of eating new foods.

Ethan, on the other hand, has struggled with getting angry to the point where he hits, kicks, bites and hurls things across the room. This began when he was three and we had hope he would outgrow what we thought we temper tantrums. He has not outgrown it and in the past two years it has gotten so bad he could no longer attend his elementary school due to him being very unsafe. I really could not ignore this when we had to have him transported to the emergency room at Hasbro from school because we couldn’t even get him in my car to go home from school.

We spent hours there and after he finally settled and then fell asleep we went home. We did, however, come home with a list of names and numbers that would begin our journey to where we are today. We have two of the most amazing women from Gateway who have been working with him to help him understand his feelings. Ethan also went to see a child psychiatrist who prescribed something for ADHD, which caused him to into a rage at home, poor thing couldn’t find a way to calm down. I am so grateful for those women from Gateway who talked me down that afternoon on the phone.

He was placed in Bradley school in order to help him deal with the behaviors better as his current school does not have the programs to help him. They worked with him as best they could, but he really hasn’t warmed up to them, but he really enjoys the hour long bus ride!

Unfortunately, the second time he met with the psychiatrist we ended up Hasbro emergency room because she felt he was unsafe. Another five hours, another release after he became calm and fell asleep.

Through all of this his days at Bradley have been inconsistent, never having a safe day more than two days in a row. He also has become less able to sleep at night. There have been nights when he didn’t fall asleep at all. At first, we tried to convince him to sleep, we tried to get him to take melatonin, he was prescribed something that should have helped him to sleep, but most days he refused the medication. We finally gave up the fight to get him to sleep and went to get our sleep so we could wake up in the morning and go to work.

The evenings have been stressful, never knowing if something would set him off making him become violent. Anyone who has spent time with him knows how tiny he is in comparison to kids his own age, but the strength he has when angry is incredible. He has actually pushed me, in a chair, across the room. If you know me, you know I am not a little woman.

Peter’s youngest and her two kids came for Thanksgiving weekend and Ethan was so happy to have his cousins here, but he was on and off with his mood, again, we were unsure what he was going to be like their visit. The day after Thanksgiving, he ended up getting angry over a game the kids were playing. The next thing we knew, he was again violent and so angry he couldn’t settle himself and nothing we did helped. The powerlessness a parent feels at times like this are unsettling. You know your child is not in control of himself and there is nothing you can do. In the end, Peter took him for a ride in the car in the hopes that would help. It did not and he decided to take Ethan to the hospital.

At the hospital, they decided he was no longer safe to return home and they would be holding him there until there was a room at Hasbro. It was 24 hours on the dot they released him to Hasbro, that was 11 pm Saturday night. I drove there and spent that night at Hasbro. They informed us Sunday morning we would be waiting for a space at Bradley, he would be admitted to their inpatient program.

They call it camping out when you are waiting for a room at Bradley while at Hasbro. We camped until Tuesday afternoon when a space opened up at Bradley. That afternoon, I drove over to Bradley, he went in an ambulance. They admitted him after I filled out a ton of paperwork. I had to walk away from there without my little one knowing he had never been away from us more than a night. I had to walk away not knowing when they would decide he could come home. I had to walk away not knowing much of anything except I could come back Wednesday to see him.

I will not go into everything that has occured while he has been there, I will say there have been moments when he cries almost the entire visit asking me when he is coming home, asking me why I put him there, why I can’t take him home if he promises to be good. How do you explain mental illness to a six-year-old? How do you tell him he is good, but until they figure out his medication, he is unsafe to be home? How do you walk away without crying in front of him because your heart breaks every time? We also have fabulous visits, we put together legos and play with what we made and eat the snacks I bring, “mommy, please bring me donuts and a rice krispie treat and a water.”

Peter and I have been going at separate times to see him so he has more than one visit a day. Little Peter can only handle going every few days, every time he has gone to see him he comes home and ends up crying in my lap for a while because he is so worried about his little brother and just wants him to come home. I try to explain to him they are trying to help Ethan not be so angry, but all he wants is for Ethan to be home.

We all know in our heads this is what he needs so he can work toward being safe at home, but our hearts miss him terribly and wish he were home.

I am putting this out there because we have to stop hiding mental illness. I am putting this out there because we have to stop being embarrassed because we are mentally ill. I am putting this out there because mental illness is real. I am putting this out there because mental illness is no different than any other disease. I am putting this out there not for sympathy, we will however accept any and all positive thoughts, prayers, reiki, whatever you got. I am putting this out there because the face of mental illness is sometimes that of a beautiful six year old child.

Another year has passed

My dear friend Michael,

It seems I always feel the need to write on the day before your anniversary, or as some call it, your angelversary. I hope you are in heaven looking over us, making sure we are doing a good job with the boys. I know you aren’t Peter’s biological father, but you were really always his dad in our eyes. Someday, we will be able to tell the two of them what a wonderful dad you were. But not yet, not today.

As it goes in our world, there have been some changes since last I wrote. Ethan is finally potty trained and has started a new school. He was having a difficult time controlling his temper in the school he was in, so he had to leave. Did you ever have anger problems when you were little, I wish there was someone we could ask…. He is doing so well in his new school, learning so much and even taking music and movement (dance). He tries to tell me he doesn’t like it, but I think he does. Last week, I had to sign him up for kindergarten, can you believe it? He’s going to be five in six weeks and starting kindergarten in the fall. He’s really growing fast, you would be so proud of him.

Little Pete is growing, too. He is making so many advances since my niece, Zoe, has been working with him. He’s still got his quirky things about him, but he is such a love. He has a crush on a little girl in his class, he writes her name all over her paper, I am sure you would tell him that was great and make some jokes with big Pete about it. Little Pete is also getting smarter every day, still a whiz at math, seriously, were you good in math? So many questions I have. He still eats very little and still won’t let me cut his hair. I did sneak a quick cut in last week while he was in the bath, but, it looks terrible! I cut the back and the front is still long and he cried because he loves his hair. As Liana would say, I quit. I am letting it grow and he can have a ponytail if he wants.

Big Pete has been taking karate, we decided he needed something to do that got him out of the house once in a while, so he went to karate. He really likes it and even bought some mats for the floor downstairs to practice on. The boys were taking it for a while and quit, but they have both shown interest in taking it again, I am excited for that because I think they need the outlet.

At the end of January, Liana came to live with us, things were not going well at home and we offered to have her come here to live. She took a little to settle in, but she seems to be doing really well. She remembers you fondly and says she loved when you guys had seaweed fights at the beach. I am glad she is here and doing well. One day, she, too, will be able to share with the boys how kind of a soul you were.

It still bothers me that I have to write in the past tense when I talk about you. It really sucks.

Since the last time I wrote, I also became a Reiki Master Teacher, I love to think that you and Peter would have a ball making some silly jokes about that. Makes me smile to think of you and he joking around. He misses you, too, you know? Last month, during February vacation, he went to see Colby in Arizona. I don’t think you ever had the pleasure of meeting Colby, but she knows about you. She and Peter got mustache tattoos on their fingers, like I did,  in memory and in honor of you. I think you would really like her, she is doing so well in recovery and so very happy. We are very proud of her and I wish you could have been here to meet her.

My boy, Josh, is doing great, he is still with Amanda and I just love her. They have a house together and he is going to school and working full time. He’s a great kid, I wish you could have gotten to know him better, I think you two would have gotten along great.

I’m still doing the musical, but this is really my last one. I know, I know. I have said it before, but somehow it’s different this time. Now that Liana is here and Ethan is starting kindergarten and Peter is trying new things, I think I am going to need some time for me, maybe figure out what I want to do just for me. I love these three so much, it makes my heart swell. Who ever would have thought a woman of one would have ended up raising four kids? I just think it’s time I focus on my kids, give them the time I have given so many kids over the years doing the musicals. Every child has touched my heart and really left an impression I don’t think they will ever really know.

Michael, I wish you were here to make fun of me, to make us all laugh with your silly stories. I love that Ethan calls me mommy, it’s kind of funny because he calls Pete grampy, LOL. I love the boys so much, we both do, and I don’t regret we have them, never have, never even looked back either time we said yes to taking them, but, I do wish you didn’t have to leave us for Ethan to be here. I wish you would have just asked us to take care of him, told us you were having a hard time, that you needed help. I just wish you wouldn’t have made that choice, a choice you can’t take back.

Most days you come into my mind, I usually smile when I think about you, many days when you cross my mind, it brings a tear to my eye; for all the things you are missing, for the memories you don’t get to share with the boys, for everything a dad should see and do, for so much…

Rest easy my friend, four years has been a long time without you here.

Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

I can’t believe that three years have passed since we last saw you, so many things have changed since you left. I try not to focus on how you left, but on who you left us. Some days I am angry with you right to my core, usually days when I am struggling with being a good mom to the boys, wondering if I am doing the right thing by them, knowing I yell too much (that drives big Pete crazy, by the way, I think you would find it hysterical and make fun of me).

Ethan has gotten so big, you wouldn’t believe what he is like. He has a bit of a temper, that probably is totally my fault, if you ask big Pete, that’s what he would tell you. Ethan can really be a bugger, he has no desire to potty train, so things are getting difficult there, but I think he will cave in soon. I keep praying he will. He’s a smart little guy and he knows how to push little Pete’s buttons. Some days they play nicely, other days, I think they are going to kill each other.

I had no clue two little boys could be so rough with each other! I wonder sometimes if you and your brother were like this, did you fight? Did you have fun? Were you angry at times when you were little? I have so many questions..

Ethan can be so cute, too, don’t ever doubt our love for him, for both of them. This is our life and we are happy, we are a family. Last week, he did the cutest thing… To be honest, I could say that every week. When he looks at me and says, “Momma, look at my muscles” and then he scrunches his little face up while making his arms into muscles, so damn cute. And he says the funniest things. I think your favorite would probably be when I asked him when he thought he might be ready for underwear, he looked at me and honestly said, “Momma, I don’t know what to tell you!” It’s moments like that when I want to text you and show you how amazing he is….

And then there’s Little P, he just gets smarter every day. You would be so impressed with him, math is his strong suit, you would think he had my genes in there somewhere, LOL. We have had some trials with him, remember when we all went to the feeding clinic in Providence and he wouldn’t eat anything? He still doesn’t eat anything, it never stops concerning me, but we have a psychologist we are working with, she is helping him to cope with things he has trouble with because of his Asperger’s, he doesn’t like change, we try to keep things as routine as possible, Big Pete is amazing with this. His teachers love him, he is such a charmer, it’s hard not to love him. It’s really important to him that he makes people laugh, sometimes he gets jealous if we laugh at something Ethan does and he tries that much harder to make us laugh. He loves playing on his iPad, I think it’s his little world that makes sense to him. He still likes to line things up, last week he took all the cars and lined them up from their bedroom through their playroom the living room and on to the kitchen, he put them all in size order.

Oh, yeah, I didn’t tell you about the house, so 10 months after you left, my dad died unexpectedly and then Minter passed 9 months later. She left Peter enough to be able to buy us a bigger house, my little house in Tiverton wasn’t working for all of us. So Peter bought us a house in Portsmouth, it is so much more than I ever could have imagined. Maybe I’ll tell you ore about it another day.

Big Pete is amazing as a dad, you would be so impressed, he gets the boys ready for school every day. You heard me right. Every morning he gets the boys up, gets them breakfast, gets them dressed and then takes them to school. I am so lucky to have him, we may drive each other nuts daily, but I wouldn’t have it any other way (I hope he would say the same thing) You would laugh how much of a stickler he is about time, if the baths aren’t started by 6 on the dot, we may as well forget giving them baths, there’s just no time, LOL. Then there is the relationship he has with each of them, how different he is with them.

Ethan could be a mini-Pete, some days Pete will let Ethan make his own pebble art, he just loves making his own pieces, and don’t get me started on how cute they are in their matching Carhartt jackets, I so wish I could see them when they are walking through Home Depot together.

Little Pete still goes into our bed in order to go to sleep every night. He crawls in with Big Pete and they have their time together, sometimes I am able to listen in to their conversations, little Pete just loves his grandpa and that time is so precious to both of them. It makes me smile so big to hear the little giggles from Little P and then later, the silence, he fell asleep snuggled up to Pete, so damn cute.

Michael, there is so much more I could tell you, I could write a book, to be honest, I am going to, soon. You hurt us so deeply, we both miss you, I wish I could say the boys missed you, but you left too soon for them to remember. I promise when they are old enough to understand, we are going to tell them all about you, everything we know. Don’t worry, I promise it will all be good, how could be anything else? You loved them so much and I know you choosing to go had nothing to do with them and all about you. I wish you would have let us help, I wish you hadn’t jumped, but you did, and I miss you my friend, I miss you.

Peace and love,
Monica

 

 

Little did I know.

The day really was never going to be like any other day in my memory, I already knew that. I mean we were laying M to rest, she was all of 33, beautiful, broken, mother, addict. She got a hold of a bad batch, overdosed. It wasn’t going to be a normal day. I couldn’t shake that C was gone, overdosed last night, leaving beautiful little K, just barely 2 and K a loving, supportive girlfriend. He was 23. What was going on? Little did I know.

I remember C as a young man, a student, such a sweet boy, was he really that broken? I never knew, I hadn’t gotten sober yet, I wasn’t in tune to those feelings when he was in my classroom.

M, how could I ever forget the sweet face of the young mother who I met in my first few months of sobriety, she had some time clean and a gorgeous little baby girl. We got close, for a short time, I would get to babysit and she would go out with friends. I was naive, I didn’t realize she was heading for a relapse, I didn’t know. That was so long ago, 9 years in fact. But today it is March 14, 2014 and she is really gone; they said jails, institutions or death was where we would end up, I didn’t know, I just didn’t know.

I went to her funeral and as my husband and I passed through the line to say our goodbyes to that poor tortured soul we saw you, Michael, there you were waiting your turn in line, looking so sad. We knew that you were struggling. You had Ethan, our little grandson in your care since November, it was hard, so many roadblocks in your way, not the least of which was her, my husband’s daughter, my stepdaughter. We knew she had broken your heart, she had broken all our hearts. She was using and we all knew it. I remember what you had said to me days before, after we had found out about M, you told me, “This shit is real, I’m really worried about mom.” You always did that, you called her mom, it used to be cute, now it was sad. We knew you thought that she might go the way M went, that she would never be there for you and Ethan. Little did I know.

I remember taking your hand, telling you we would get through this, together, I told you I loved you, as I held your hand, you looked at me, but not really, it was more like right through me. You had me worried, as I drove away from the funeral home to go to the grave yard, I remember thinking that someone should go with you, I was worried, but I didn’t say anything, I just drove away. Little did I know.

It was a bright day, how could it be so bright, everything was falling apart. Heroin sucks, it took M and C, maybe take her soon. Little did I know.

The closing night of the musical was tonight, I had to put on the happy face and go direct those kids, the ones who kept me going. The ones who remind me why I stay sober, so I can be there as an example you can do anything sober. I love them and they love me, that’s why the musicals always turn out so well. I am going to get my nails done, my sponsor says to do something for myself it has been a long few days, my heart is full of sadness. Little did I know.

My life fell apart in one hour and I had no idea. I had no idea what was happening. I left my phone in the car, little did I know that hour was going to be the last hour of peace I was going to have for a very long time. I came out of the salon and reached for my phone; there were so many calls, so many messages. Good grief! What is going on? Little did I know.

Bristol police? Portsmouth Police? Our Social worker? Her supervisor? Good god, what is going on? Little did I know.

I finally get in touch with one of the policemen, he says Michael was in an accident, did I know where Ethan was? Where is Michael? I ask, is he ok? He is at Rhode Island Hospital he tells me and Monica, where is Ethan? I know where he is, but wait, I don’t have Jen’s number on me, I can call you back when I get it, he’s with Jen, a parent of one of my students. How is Michael, what happened? Is he ok? Little did I know.

After I get Jen’s number I call the police back, let them know. Then I call our Social Worker, Susan, we have known her for two years since we took our grandson as a foster child. Susan asks me if I can meet her at Jen’s, can Peter and I take Ethan for now? Of course, I say, no problem. Have you talked to Michael? Is he ok? Little did I know.

I hang up with Susan, her supervisor calls me, asks me if I can pull over and park somewhere, what is going on? Little did I know.

I park the car, knowing it can’t be good, but oh, I just didn’t know. She tells me Michael jumped off the bridge, he didn’t make it. I don’t think I have ever cried so much, I don’t believe I have ever felt this kind of pain. Michael’s gone? But I just saw him this morning, at M’s funeral, he was sad, but what the hell? He was our son-in-law, ok, not really, but he was, you know? What are you talking about? He can’t be gone. He was part of our quirky little family, we were supposed to have dinner Sunday, he said he was coming, he can’t be gone.

I call my husband, I don’t know what else to do, I tell him. He has to come get me, I can’t drive, there is no way I can drive now. I can’t even see straight. Michael’s gone? Michael’s gone.

He arrives as quickly as possible, we cry together, our Michael is gone. He was such a beautiful person, such a great dad to the boys, and he wasn’t even little Pete’s real dad, but you would never have known by the way he lit up when he saw him, Michael was his daddy.

We go to get little Pete from daycare, I am not sure how long I can hold it together, but I have to get my little guy, little Pete needs us, his mom is a mess and he is never going to see the man he believes is his father ever again, thank god he is only 3 ½ and he will not have lasting memories that will haunt him. As we arrive the police call me, tell me I have to identify the body, I fall to the floor, I can’t do this, it is too much. My husband says he will go, but we still need to get Ethan, our little 10 ½ month old grandson. Oh god, Ethan, poor Ethan, who will never know the amazing father he had. Susan is going to meet us at the house, we will get Ethan then. She tells us she knows we can’t take Ethan for good, this is only for the weekend, she will have a new foster home for him on Monday. We had told her we would never be able to take Ethan, little Pete was so much already. She always understood that.

Many other things happened that night, I tried to go to the school and direct the musical, they made me go home to be with my boys, I fell apart and did what they said, I went home to my family. The one thing that sticks with me to this day is what I saw after I got home. Peter and I talked, Susan would be coming Monday to get Ethan, we just can’t do this, two kids? No way.

There they were, in the chair in the living room as I came walking down the hall, my husband and Ethan. My husband was gazing down at Ethan, then he looked up at me, a frown on his face and tears running down his cheeks. All I could say was, “We are keeping him, aren’t we?” He didn’t say a word for a minute, then when he finally spoke he first pointed at Ethan, then at little Pete, “They are brothers, they should be together. Look how cute he is.” I smile, I know what I am going to do. I ask again, “Are we going to keep him? Should I call Susan and tell her to stop looking for a foster home for him?” He only smiles and nods, I go get my phone. Little did I know this was only the beginning of an amazing journey.

Our second time around.

My husband and I met in AA nine years ago and got married February 14, 2009. We thought we were going to be going on weekend trips here and there. We thought we were going to growing old, just the two of us. Right after we were married his daughter came to live with us and 15 months later she blessed us with a beautiful grandson, Peter. When he was 20 months old we were asked to be his Foster Parents, two years later we became his legal guardians. One month later we were asked to be Foster Parents to his half brother, Ethan. That was one year ago today and we are on the way to becoming his guardians as well.This blog is my way of sharing our life, many times I have been told I have a story to tell and here it is.