It has taken me a while to start to process what is going on in our world, it really starts many years ago, but came to a head the day after Thanksgiving. It was really a Black Friday for us.
Ethan has been with us since he was almost a year old, he calls us mommy and daddy and we refer to him, and his brother Peter as ours because how can you not when you have been caring for a child this long. We have had so many wonderful times with the boys and I know they will continue for a lifetime. These wonderful times also come with struggles when the children you have been blessed with have struggles of their own.
Peter was diagnosed on the autism spectrum years ago and we work with him trying to get him to understand how some of his behaviors affect others, but sniffing other people isn’t the worst that can happen in your world, neither is eating only about 4-5 things, but we have faith we can help him to overcome his anxiety of eating new foods.
Ethan, on the other hand, has struggled with getting angry to the point where he hits, kicks, bites and hurls things across the room. This began when he was three and we had hope he would outgrow what we thought we temper tantrums. He has not outgrown it and in the past two years it has gotten so bad he could no longer attend his elementary school due to him being very unsafe. I really could not ignore this when we had to have him transported to the emergency room at Hasbro from school because we couldn’t even get him in my car to go home from school.
We spent hours there and after he finally settled and then fell asleep we went home. We did, however, come home with a list of names and numbers that would begin our journey to where we are today. We have two of the most amazing women from Gateway who have been working with him to help him understand his feelings. Ethan also went to see a child psychiatrist who prescribed something for ADHD, which caused him to into a rage at home, poor thing couldn’t find a way to calm down. I am so grateful for those women from Gateway who talked me down that afternoon on the phone.
He was placed in Bradley school in order to help him deal with the behaviors better as his current school does not have the programs to help him. They worked with him as best they could, but he really hasn’t warmed up to them, but he really enjoys the hour long bus ride!
Unfortunately, the second time he met with the psychiatrist we ended up Hasbro emergency room because she felt he was unsafe. Another five hours, another release after he became calm and fell asleep.
Through all of this his days at Bradley have been inconsistent, never having a safe day more than two days in a row. He also has become less able to sleep at night. There have been nights when he didn’t fall asleep at all. At first, we tried to convince him to sleep, we tried to get him to take melatonin, he was prescribed something that should have helped him to sleep, but most days he refused the medication. We finally gave up the fight to get him to sleep and went to get our sleep so we could wake up in the morning and go to work.
The evenings have been stressful, never knowing if something would set him off making him become violent. Anyone who has spent time with him knows how tiny he is in comparison to kids his own age, but the strength he has when angry is incredible. He has actually pushed me, in a chair, across the room. If you know me, you know I am not a little woman.
Peter’s youngest and her two kids came for Thanksgiving weekend and Ethan was so happy to have his cousins here, but he was on and off with his mood, again, we were unsure what he was going to be like their visit. The day after Thanksgiving, he ended up getting angry over a game the kids were playing. The next thing we knew, he was again violent and so angry he couldn’t settle himself and nothing we did helped. The powerlessness a parent feels at times like this are unsettling. You know your child is not in control of himself and there is nothing you can do. In the end, Peter took him for a ride in the car in the hopes that would help. It did not and he decided to take Ethan to the hospital.
At the hospital, they decided he was no longer safe to return home and they would be holding him there until there was a room at Hasbro. It was 24 hours on the dot they released him to Hasbro, that was 11 pm Saturday night. I drove there and spent that night at Hasbro. They informed us Sunday morning we would be waiting for a space at Bradley, he would be admitted to their inpatient program.
They call it camping out when you are waiting for a room at Bradley while at Hasbro. We camped until Tuesday afternoon when a space opened up at Bradley. That afternoon, I drove over to Bradley, he went in an ambulance. They admitted him after I filled out a ton of paperwork. I had to walk away from there without my little one knowing he had never been away from us more than a night. I had to walk away not knowing when they would decide he could come home. I had to walk away not knowing much of anything except I could come back Wednesday to see him.
I will not go into everything that has occured while he has been there, I will say there have been moments when he cries almost the entire visit asking me when he is coming home, asking me why I put him there, why I can’t take him home if he promises to be good. How do you explain mental illness to a six-year-old? How do you tell him he is good, but until they figure out his medication, he is unsafe to be home? How do you walk away without crying in front of him because your heart breaks every time? We also have fabulous visits, we put together legos and play with what we made and eat the snacks I bring, “mommy, please bring me donuts and a rice krispie treat and a water.”
Peter and I have been going at separate times to see him so he has more than one visit a day. Little Peter can only handle going every few days, every time he has gone to see him he comes home and ends up crying in my lap for a while because he is so worried about his little brother and just wants him to come home. I try to explain to him they are trying to help Ethan not be so angry, but all he wants is for Ethan to be home.
We all know in our heads this is what he needs so he can work toward being safe at home, but our hearts miss him terribly and wish he were home.
I am putting this out there because we have to stop hiding mental illness. I am putting this out there because we have to stop being embarrassed because we are mentally ill. I am putting this out there because mental illness is real. I am putting this out there because mental illness is no different than any other disease. I am putting this out there not for sympathy, we will however accept any and all positive thoughts, prayers, reiki, whatever you got. I am putting this out there because the face of mental illness is sometimes that of a beautiful six year old child.
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