Dear Michael

Dear Michael,

I can’t believe that three years have passed since we last saw you, so many things have changed since you left. I try not to focus on how you left, but on who you left us. Some days I am angry with you right to my core, usually days when I am struggling with being a good mom to the boys, wondering if I am doing the right thing by them, knowing I yell too much (that drives big Pete crazy, by the way, I think you would find it hysterical and make fun of me).

Ethan has gotten so big, you wouldn’t believe what he is like. He has a bit of a temper, that probably is totally my fault, if you ask big Pete, that’s what he would tell you. Ethan can really be a bugger, he has no desire to potty train, so things are getting difficult there, but I think he will cave in soon. I keep praying he will. He’s a smart little guy and he knows how to push little Pete’s buttons. Some days they play nicely, other days, I think they are going to kill each other.

I had no clue two little boys could be so rough with each other! I wonder sometimes if you and your brother were like this, did you fight? Did you have fun? Were you angry at times when you were little? I have so many questions..

Ethan can be so cute, too, don’t ever doubt our love for him, for both of them. This is our life and we are happy, we are a family. Last week, he did the cutest thing… To be honest, I could say that every week. When he looks at me and says, “Momma, look at my muscles” and then he scrunches his little face up while making his arms into muscles, so damn cute. And he says the funniest things. I think your favorite would probably be when I asked him when he thought he might be ready for underwear, he looked at me and honestly said, “Momma, I don’t know what to tell you!” It’s moments like that when I want to text you and show you how amazing he is….

And then there’s Little P, he just gets smarter every day. You would be so impressed with him, math is his strong suit, you would think he had my genes in there somewhere, LOL. We have had some trials with him, remember when we all went to the feeding clinic in Providence and he wouldn’t eat anything? He still doesn’t eat anything, it never stops concerning me, but we have a psychologist we are working with, she is helping him to cope with things he has trouble with because of his Asperger’s, he doesn’t like change, we try to keep things as routine as possible, Big Pete is amazing with this. His teachers love him, he is such a charmer, it’s hard not to love him. It’s really important to him that he makes people laugh, sometimes he gets jealous if we laugh at something Ethan does and he tries that much harder to make us laugh. He loves playing on his iPad, I think it’s his little world that makes sense to him. He still likes to line things up, last week he took all the cars and lined them up from their bedroom through their playroom the living room and on to the kitchen, he put them all in size order.

Oh, yeah, I didn’t tell you about the house, so 10 months after you left, my dad died unexpectedly and then Minter passed 9 months later. She left Peter enough to be able to buy us a bigger house, my little house in Tiverton wasn’t working for all of us. So Peter bought us a house in Portsmouth, it is so much more than I ever could have imagined. Maybe I’ll tell you ore about it another day.

Big Pete is amazing as a dad, you would be so impressed, he gets the boys ready for school every day. You heard me right. Every morning he gets the boys up, gets them breakfast, gets them dressed and then takes them to school. I am so lucky to have him, we may drive each other nuts daily, but I wouldn’t have it any other way (I hope he would say the same thing) You would laugh how much of a stickler he is about time, if the baths aren’t started by 6 on the dot, we may as well forget giving them baths, there’s just no time, LOL. Then there is the relationship he has with each of them, how different he is with them.

Ethan could be a mini-Pete, some days Pete will let Ethan make his own pebble art, he just loves making his own pieces, and don’t get me started on how cute they are in their matching Carhartt jackets, I so wish I could see them when they are walking through Home Depot together.

Little Pete still goes into our bed in order to go to sleep every night. He crawls in with Big Pete and they have their time together, sometimes I am able to listen in to their conversations, little Pete just loves his grandpa and that time is so precious to both of them. It makes me smile so big to hear the little giggles from Little P and then later, the silence, he fell asleep snuggled up to Pete, so damn cute.

Michael, there is so much more I could tell you, I could write a book, to be honest, I am going to, soon. You hurt us so deeply, we both miss you, I wish I could say the boys missed you, but you left too soon for them to remember. I promise when they are old enough to understand, we are going to tell them all about you, everything we know. Don’t worry, I promise it will all be good, how could be anything else? You loved them so much and I know you choosing to go had nothing to do with them and all about you. I wish you would have let us help, I wish you hadn’t jumped, but you did, and I miss you my friend, I miss you.

Peace and love,
Monica