Little did I know.

The day really was never going to be like any other day in my memory, I already knew that. I mean we were laying M to rest, she was all of 33, beautiful, broken, mother, addict. She got a hold of a bad batch, overdosed. It wasn’t going to be a normal day. I couldn’t shake that C was gone, overdosed last night, leaving beautiful little K, just barely 2 and K a loving, supportive girlfriend. He was 23. What was going on? Little did I know.

I remember C as a young man, a student, such a sweet boy, was he really that broken? I never knew, I hadn’t gotten sober yet, I wasn’t in tune to those feelings when he was in my classroom.

M, how could I ever forget the sweet face of the young mother who I met in my first few months of sobriety, she had some time clean and a gorgeous little baby girl. We got close, for a short time, I would get to babysit and she would go out with friends. I was naive, I didn’t realize she was heading for a relapse, I didn’t know. That was so long ago, 9 years in fact. But today it is March 14, 2014 and she is really gone; they said jails, institutions or death was where we would end up, I didn’t know, I just didn’t know.

I went to her funeral and as my husband and I passed through the line to say our goodbyes to that poor tortured soul we saw you, Michael, there you were waiting your turn in line, looking so sad. We knew that you were struggling. You had Ethan, our little grandson in your care since November, it was hard, so many roadblocks in your way, not the least of which was her, my husband’s daughter, my stepdaughter. We knew she had broken your heart, she had broken all our hearts. She was using and we all knew it. I remember what you had said to me days before, after we had found out about M, you told me, “This shit is real, I’m really worried about mom.” You always did that, you called her mom, it used to be cute, now it was sad. We knew you thought that she might go the way M went, that she would never be there for you and Ethan. Little did I know.

I remember taking your hand, telling you we would get through this, together, I told you I loved you, as I held your hand, you looked at me, but not really, it was more like right through me. You had me worried, as I drove away from the funeral home to go to the grave yard, I remember thinking that someone should go with you, I was worried, but I didn’t say anything, I just drove away. Little did I know.

It was a bright day, how could it be so bright, everything was falling apart. Heroin sucks, it took M and C, maybe take her soon. Little did I know.

The closing night of the musical was tonight, I had to put on the happy face and go direct those kids, the ones who kept me going. The ones who remind me why I stay sober, so I can be there as an example you can do anything sober. I love them and they love me, that’s why the musicals always turn out so well. I am going to get my nails done, my sponsor says to do something for myself it has been a long few days, my heart is full of sadness. Little did I know.

My life fell apart in one hour and I had no idea. I had no idea what was happening. I left my phone in the car, little did I know that hour was going to be the last hour of peace I was going to have for a very long time. I came out of the salon and reached for my phone; there were so many calls, so many messages. Good grief! What is going on? Little did I know.

Bristol police? Portsmouth Police? Our Social worker? Her supervisor? Good god, what is going on? Little did I know.

I finally get in touch with one of the policemen, he says Michael was in an accident, did I know where Ethan was? Where is Michael? I ask, is he ok? He is at Rhode Island Hospital he tells me and Monica, where is Ethan? I know where he is, but wait, I don’t have Jen’s number on me, I can call you back when I get it, he’s with Jen, a parent of one of my students. How is Michael, what happened? Is he ok? Little did I know.

After I get Jen’s number I call the police back, let them know. Then I call our Social Worker, Susan, we have known her for two years since we took our grandson as a foster child. Susan asks me if I can meet her at Jen’s, can Peter and I take Ethan for now? Of course, I say, no problem. Have you talked to Michael? Is he ok? Little did I know.

I hang up with Susan, her supervisor calls me, asks me if I can pull over and park somewhere, what is going on? Little did I know.

I park the car, knowing it can’t be good, but oh, I just didn’t know. She tells me Michael jumped off the bridge, he didn’t make it. I don’t think I have ever cried so much, I don’t believe I have ever felt this kind of pain. Michael’s gone? But I just saw him this morning, at M’s funeral, he was sad, but what the hell? He was our son-in-law, ok, not really, but he was, you know? What are you talking about? He can’t be gone. He was part of our quirky little family, we were supposed to have dinner Sunday, he said he was coming, he can’t be gone.

I call my husband, I don’t know what else to do, I tell him. He has to come get me, I can’t drive, there is no way I can drive now. I can’t even see straight. Michael’s gone? Michael’s gone.

He arrives as quickly as possible, we cry together, our Michael is gone. He was such a beautiful person, such a great dad to the boys, and he wasn’t even little Pete’s real dad, but you would never have known by the way he lit up when he saw him, Michael was his daddy.

We go to get little Pete from daycare, I am not sure how long I can hold it together, but I have to get my little guy, little Pete needs us, his mom is a mess and he is never going to see the man he believes is his father ever again, thank god he is only 3 ½ and he will not have lasting memories that will haunt him. As we arrive the police call me, tell me I have to identify the body, I fall to the floor, I can’t do this, it is too much. My husband says he will go, but we still need to get Ethan, our little 10 ½ month old grandson. Oh god, Ethan, poor Ethan, who will never know the amazing father he had. Susan is going to meet us at the house, we will get Ethan then. She tells us she knows we can’t take Ethan for good, this is only for the weekend, she will have a new foster home for him on Monday. We had told her we would never be able to take Ethan, little Pete was so much already. She always understood that.

Many other things happened that night, I tried to go to the school and direct the musical, they made me go home to be with my boys, I fell apart and did what they said, I went home to my family. The one thing that sticks with me to this day is what I saw after I got home. Peter and I talked, Susan would be coming Monday to get Ethan, we just can’t do this, two kids? No way.

There they were, in the chair in the living room as I came walking down the hall, my husband and Ethan. My husband was gazing down at Ethan, then he looked up at me, a frown on his face and tears running down his cheeks. All I could say was, “We are keeping him, aren’t we?” He didn’t say a word for a minute, then when he finally spoke he first pointed at Ethan, then at little Pete, “They are brothers, they should be together. Look how cute he is.” I smile, I know what I am going to do. I ask again, “Are we going to keep him? Should I call Susan and tell her to stop looking for a foster home for him?” He only smiles and nods, I go get my phone. Little did I know this was only the beginning of an amazing journey.